


The Hardest Part Is...

by Lurkany



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Character Development, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father Figures, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Original Character(s), Original Character Death(s), Pre-Fall of Overwatch, Pre-Reaper, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking is important, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-11-15 06:52:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurkany/pseuds/Lurkany
Summary: A Blackwatch mission goes south and Gabriel deals with the fallout. It's not the first time something bad has happened but no one responds the same way every time. Sometimes it changes you in ways you never could have predicted.





	1. Living With The Devil

Silence engulfed him. The only sound came from when he shifted on the pew or let out a breath he didn't know he'd held. The silence was both welcoming and smothering. Much as he sought the solitude he wasn't sure he could tolerate it much more.

 Agonized creaking followed by soft footsteps broke that sacred silence. He didn't need to look to see who plopped down beside him. Once more silence overtook him. His eyes settled on the flickering candles, tiredly blinking as they watched the flames slowly melt down the wax.

 The woman exhaled. He inhaled, holding it.

 “I know what happened, habibi.” She murmured, almost aware of how precious the silence was.

 He felt his throat tighten. “Jack never could keep his mouth shut.” The words came out a growl, harsher than he'd liked.

 A faint smile crossed her lips. “I didn't need him to tell me.”

 He looked at her finally. Her dark eyes shown in the dim light, watery near the corners. They matched the sad smile she wore. He didn't speak. He turned back to the pew ahead of him and swallowed. He couldn't get the lump in his throat to go away.

 “Gabe? How long have you been awake?” She had her hand on his shoulder now, motherly tone seeping into her voice.

 Honestly? He couldn't remember. A day? Three? A whole week? He couldn't think about sleep. Didn't want to. What if -? Gabriel pressed his palms to his eyes, letting a strangled noise out as an answer. 

“You have to sleep sometime.” Her hand squeezed his shoulder. She knew he couldn't stay awake forever even if he refused to admit it himself. “You… you can't help him now. Trust in Angela that he'll be okay.”

“He's in a bad way.” He couldn't help the way his voice lifted on the last word. Couldn't help how choked it sounded. Gabriel clenched his fists and leaned his head against the pew. 

Ana let out a soft breath - somewhere between a sob and laugh. She wrapped her arms around him. When he didn't respond she squeezed him harder. He exhaled, breath coming in short and quick. He pulled her to him and rest his head on hers. He couldn't help it when the tears rolled off his cheeks. Ana let her own tears fall, wetting his bloodied shirt.

 “I’m so sorry, habibi.” Her voice cracked.

 “It didn't have to go that way.” Gabriel cried into her hair. “Shouldn't have.”

 They sat there, the only sound the heavy exhales and shaky inhales of breath. Gabriel finally released Ana, hands coming to wipe at his face. Ana pulled him back to her, looping her arms around his neck and resting her cheek against his head. Despite the unpleasant position Gabriel didn't protest. He half sat and half laid against Ana, arms loosely wrapped around her waist, bleary eyes staring at the wood grain. He felt drained.

 Just as he felt the touch of sleep he remembered everything and found a new surge of energy that refused him rest. Something  anxious, angry, sad, and numb all swirling in the pit of his stomach every time he came close to closing his eyes. His jaw clenched as he stared, throat tightening again. Two dead and Jesse…

 Ana made soothing sounds above him. Fingers caressed the nape of his neck, trying to lure back sleep from its elusive hiding place. He felt torn - dare he follow Ana in her attempt to find sleep and risk losing Jesse during that time or resist and continue mulling over every last detail and how he could have done something different? Anything to change the outcome.

 A tear slithered down from her cheek, onto his head and crawled slowly across his features. Ana understood. She always understood. He felt his eyes flutter, growing heavy under Ana's careful ministrations.

 He vaguely remembered being checked out. The young doctor was quick in her assessment, turning him over to an assistant as soon as she determined he didn't need her help. He recalled following basic instructions as the doctor’s staff soberly announced two dead and one critical. One more injured and two unharmed.

  _Relatively unharmed._ He thought.

 Between then and now he reported to Jack. Despite Jack insisting it could wait - “ _God's sake you’re still covered in blood.”_ \- he told him everything. It had to be now. What if he forgot something? Jack tried to talk to him. Not professionally. All he remembered was some half assed excuse to leave and the reluctant and sorrowful look on Jack's face. Gabriel meant to shower, really. Instead he found himself in the chapel, mind blank and body numb. Shrouded in silence and darkness, the only illumination coming from the dozen candles littering the altar.

 He couldn't bring enough air into his lungs now. Ana drew in another breath, sniffling. He didn't know how long they sat like that. Him, blubbering like a damn child and Ana holding him like one. He finally peeled himself away and rest his arms over the pew then his head over his crossed arms. Silence persisted, feeling burdensome now. Heavy.

 Ana tucked her knee under her chin, voice soft as silk when she spoke. “Gabriel…”

  _“You need to sleep.”_

  _“You can't do anything more tonight.”_

  _“Jesse will be fine.”_

  _“Go home.”_

  _“I'm here, talk to me.”_

 She said all of that with his name, allowing him the choice. Gabriel sniffed, brown eyes blankly staring at the floor. He couldn't sleep. Even if he closed his eyes and time passed it would never be sleep. His brain would recount every second of the last 76 hours.

 Mission prep. Mission start. First mistake. Then the second. The third. Data extraction. Underestimated the load and time of data. Underestimated security protocols. Lack of intel for persons of interest on site. Additional security personnel. Outdated blueprints. Extraction zones A and C no-go. Site B pinned them in a courtyard.

 That's when it went to shit.

 “Gabe?” He heard her voice slice through his memory like a hot knife through butter. He merely shook his head.

 “Go home, Ana.”

 “Only if you will.”

 Silence. He stared at the floor, eyes unfocused. How could he go home? Two of his men would never get that opportunity again and Jesse teetered on the brink. His heart gave a painful wrench at the thought. He squeezed his eyes shut, jaw clenching fiercely as he shoved that thought away. At the same time he couldn't help but think -

 “It should have been him. Just him.” It came out a breathy whisper. He wavered between that truth and the reality of what happened. Part of him was glad Jesse survived. The other part screamed angrily that it was his fault. Gabriel pursed his lips together and screwed his eyes shut.

 “You don't mean that.”

 “God dammit, Ana, all he had to do was wait! Instead he killed Dave and Clara and fucked himself too! He just had to wait!” He felt some relief throwing blame out. Even if he knew it wasn't Jesse's fault. Not entirely at least.

 “He didn't kill them -”

 “He might as well have. Stupid fuck ran around and did his fucking trick shot then got shot up for it! They went out to get him.” Gabe slammed his fist against the pew, then stopped, struggling to breathe. Gabriel couldn't decide if he was angry. He wanted to be. God dammit did he want to because of it all, but the moment he felt that rush of rage hit his system it drained just as quickly.

 He didn't tell Jack the details regarding their deaths. He couldn’t. What if Jack decided Jesse wasn't reliable? Pulled Jesse from his team? Could he? While he never believed Jack would he couldn't stand the thought of their Strike-Commander blaming Jesse for their deaths. Of thinking less of Jesse. It was hard enough to convince the Boy Scout to let Jesse in Blackwatch, let alone convince him that the kid was good. Telling him that he screwed up... “It shoulda just been him.” He whispered again, palms pressing against his eyes. It killed him to say but one death over two...

 Ana smiled sadly. “If he died it would kill you. You love that kid. And they made their choice, habibi. No one else made that choice for them.”

 “It was a _mistake_.”

 “We've all made mistakes.”

 “This isn't one you just make disappear -”

 “Then teach him how to live with it. Allah knows we've lived with our skeletons long enough we've come to know their names. Share a few of yours with him.”

 “He should have _known better_. I trained him better than that.” Gabriel whispered, trying to find where he had gone wrong. “He wouldn't have skeletons if…”

 “Everyone makes mistakes. He made a call, Gabriel. Right or wrong it's done and he'll learn from it.”

 “But he didn't have to. It was my call. _Mine._ I was responsible for all of them.” The words came on a brittle voice. Gabriel folded his hands over his head and focused on breathing. _Jesse should never have had to carry that kind of baggage_ , Gabriel thought, trying desperately to suck in enough air. He didn’t have to make any decisions. He just had to sit tight and wait. Just fucking wait.

 Ana rubbed his back, wishing she could do more. She knew the process. Wait by the abyss for him to come out. If he didn't find his own way she would make one for him. Sometimes they just had to jump in with him and drown in the darkness together. She leaned over and kissed his head, arm sliding around his shoulders.

 Her phone chirped. Then again. She waited for a response from Gabriel before fishing it out and sighing. “It's for you.” The man unwound himself and took the phone, brows furrowing.

  _Bluejay - he hasnt answered me_

  _Bluejay - is he all right_

 “You called Jack “Bluejay?” Why?”

 “I like birds. And it's a good security measure. Plus he wears a _lot_ of blue.”

 “...the fuck do you call me?” Gabe made to paw through her contacts but she swiped it from him.

 “Raven if you must know.”

 Gabe scoffed, tired smile playing on his lips. “What's wrong with “Reyes” or -”

 “ _Security_. For the love of everything holy how do you not understand even this? Don't tell me you're a first and last name guy are you? Ghabi ’abalah.” She rubbed her eyes in mock frustration. “Really, what happens if your phone is stolen or hacked?”

 Her phone chirped again, drawing their attention.

 “‘He's not home. Please tell me you're with him.’ The least he could do is learn how to text.” She grumbled.

 Gabe smiled a little. Those few seconds of normalcy were refreshing. Grounding. Even if it felt like his world had shattered the little things reminded him there were still things that held it all together. It hadn’t fallen apart just yet.

 Ana leaned in and wrapped him in a fierce hug. “He's right. You need to go home and sleep. A shower wouldn't be a bad idea either. You look terrible.”

 Ana nudged him when he didn't respond. “I'll keep watch over him, okay? If anything happens I'll call you. Or if you need me, call. Please, Gabriel. Sleep.”

 The man simply nodded but made no effort to move. He felt that moment of normalcy slip from his grasp and everything washed over him anew. His shoulders slumped and his head hung. Why did this happen?

 “So help me if I come back and you're still here I will break my rifle over your head.” She was standing now, hands on her hips.

 “Go on. I'll head home in a bit.”

 “You'd better. I'll expect a text from you _and_ Jack. Do _not_ make me track you down.”

 Satisfied with her threat, Ana left. The door closed with a groaning click and he drowned in silence once more.

 

* * *

 

Habibi - Sweetheart

Ghabi 'abalah - Stupid idiot


	2. The Devil You Know

He visited Farid first. Couple more days and Angela would release him. Grazing wound to his side, bad enough to take out a chunk but nothing that would put him down for long. Neither of them spoke of the dead.

He wandered to Jesse's room next but stopped just outside the door. Flashes of bright scarlet flooded his mind. The heavy scent of blood assaulted him as he recalled dragging Jesse behind proper cover. Screaming incoherently as he returned fire. Praising the pilot for dropping a gift on their friends before landing. The mangled thing dangling off of Jesse's shoulder as he carried him up the ramp. The last sputtering breaths of David before he died next to Jesse. Clara’s corpse next to him.

“Oh! Hello there.” The young blond bumped into him, arms wrapped around a clipboard. “I'm sorry but McCree will not be taking visitors.”

“He's okay then?”

She pursed her lips and cast a sideways glance to the floor. “He'll live. He's fortunate the only thing really damaged was his arm. The body armor absorbed most of the impact but there is substantial bruising. I had no choice but to amputate most of it. He will need a prosthetic.”

Gabriel blinked. He lost his arm? The image passed over his brain again of that bleeding mess attached to Jesse's shoulder. He tried to understand what she meant but his mind blanked in the attempt to wrap his head around the thought.

She was speaking again. He couldn't focus on her words but they sounded remorseful. The way her eyebrows came together and her lips pulled into a frown confirmed it. Her blue eyes caught his and her expression shifted.

“I'm not a professional but I'm here if you want to talk. This must be difficult for you.”

She was so sincere. Her eyes earnest as she looked at him expectantly. She was just a kid herself. She didn't need a grown man dumping his baggage onto her. Prodigy doctor or not she didn't need it. Not that he would take the help from someone else either. He merely shook his head and said he'd be back later.

Later meant a week and change. After leaving the medical wing Gabriel went to fulfill part of his obligation as Blackwatch commander. While he easily could have sent someone else or a letter he made it a point to tell next of kin in person if time permitted. They deserved that much at least. And it showed he cared about their lives - which he did despite what others said about him.

Clara was first. The moment he knocked on the door her husband knew. Whether it was the look on his face or a feeling the young man had didn't matter. He knew. Gabriel was ushered inside to allow for privacy as he broke the news. Her boys and her husband accepted it without a tear shed. Their lips quivered if they spoke. Their voices cracked and they danced around her name. They avoided eye contact.

Gabriel excused himself and shook their hands before parting ways. Next was David's wife.

Disbelief. Shock. Anger. A torrent of hateful words flew his way followed by waterworks. He let her hit him, cry on him and spill her soul as she came to grips with her new reality. As he left he cast a backwards glance. Through the window he watched as she collapsed onto the couch and curl around a pillow. She clung to the last strands of her old life as they unraveled beneath her fingertips.

As he now sat, waiting for Angela to say he could visit, he thought about both families. The chaos he delivered when he appeared on their doorstep. Their reactions. The near stoicism of Clara’s family was unbearable. No real emotion, just acceptance. David's wife and her visceral reaction to being told her life had been shattered - the accusations and poignant suffering - he could handle that.

Then the funerals.

A quiet clearing of a voice drew him out of his thoughts. Angela motioned that he could go in. She mentioned painkillers and lucidity but Gabriel didn't listen beyond that. He knew the drill well enough by now.

He hesitated at first. The drowsy look on his face - he never did well with painkillers - and the dopey half smile meant he was waking up. Gabriel sat down as the young man tried speaking. Noise escaped in place of words. Jesse tried again, brown eyes blinking slowly in their drug addled state.

“Jefe…” Jesse said, lips curling into a slow familiar smirk.

Gabe let a smile dance across his face. Jesse shifted in his bed, struggled then settled back down when he couldn't prop himself up how he wanted. Gabriel wondered if it was the drugs or his lack of arm. He spared a quick glance at the bandaged stump. He'd seen plenty of amputees - their line of work invited tremendous amounts of bodily harm - and it stunned him every time. The person always looked less. Radically different. Jesse looked like a whole new man.

  
“ _Jefe_ , you gotta take me someplace nice before you go starin’ at me like that.”

A quiet scoff escaped the older man. “Not my type, pendejo.”

“I know. Blond. Blue eyed.” Jesse chucked, eyes beginning to shake off that drowsy haze. They sparkled after a few more jokes.

Gabriel very nearly forgot anything bad happened. The kid was in great spirits; it was infectious. He didn't want to break that. He might have let it go if not for two things: first, Jesse’s stump that kept drawing his eyes. Second, his question.

“How'd we make out? Bringing down the bad guys?”

“Did good. The techies just started wading through all of it but there's a lot. It'll take time.” Gabriel’s mouth felt dry. He found he couldn’t say much else. Couldn’t bring himself to tell Jesse the downside of the mission. And all that anger that festered immediately after landing had fizzled and he didn’t dare tell the kid they sacrificed themselves for his safety.

“You keep wearing that long face and people are gonna try and saddle you.” Jesse's lips curled into a smile but it never reached his eyes. He could feel the air had shifted.

Gabe couldn't help the small smirk that passed his lips at the bad joke but it quickly fell away. That lump he thought he lost over the week planted itself back into his throat. Every time he tried to speak his lips would part but that lump jumped in the way of his words. He merely shook his head. Jesse sat up more, that sleepy look sliding from his eyes.

“Clara and Dave… they didn't make it.”

Silence. Jesse stared, unmoving. Then his brows came together and his eyes darted to the sides as he recalled that night. He looked up, eyes narrowed.

“How? How did they -?”

Gabe shook his head. “Doesn't matter. Get some rest, McCree.” He patted the kid's leg and made to leave.

“God dammit! Tell me how they died!” Jesse shouted, voice frail despite his demand. The tears in the corners of his eyes made Gabriel wonder if he didn't already know the answer. He couldn't look away. He felt his jaw clench the longer he looked into his shimmering eyes, bound to keep the knowledge to himself.

All at once the tears started. Slow and reluctantly making their trails down the young man’s cheeks. His breath hitched and he finally broke eye contact. He turned away as much as he could, shame and anger flashing over his features.

“They died ‘cause of me, didn't they?” Barely a whisper and not a question.

Gabriel shook his head, voice thick. “No. Jesse, no. They died because the mission went south.”

Jesse whipped around, tears and snot running down. Rage marred his face under the waterworks. His lips parted into a snarl, “don't you fucking lie to me!” His hand clenched the sheets and he sniffed, staring fiercely at Gabriel. Daring him to deny it.

He frowned and leaned in to console Jesse but got a fist for his troubles. The hand trembled as he held it up. “Get out.” When Gabriel didn't respond Jesse screamed it at him. The older man nodded and said he'd be back later. Jesse chucked his pillow after him, letting out an tormented “fuck” before falling back against the bed and into heavy sobs. Gabe leaned against the door, listening to the agonized sounds within. He talked to himself - accused himself - through his ragged breathing. Gabriel listened until the room was silent.

Jesse was released a few days later. Gabriel knocked on his door, getting a grumbled “gimme a minute” in response. So he waited. And waited. He finally let himself in and suppressed a sad smile when he saw Jesse.

The top button of his pants were undone, white dress shirt tucked in with only the bottom three buttons done. His tie hung around his neck. His dress jacket lay across his bed, waiting. His fingers fumbled with the small round buttons trying to convince the next one through the tiny slot. Jesse didn’t look up but he saw the slight downward turn of his head and the muscles in his jaw tighten. Gabriel sighed and pushed his hand aside and quickly helped him. Jesse looked away cheeks flushed. Gabe knew he wasn't embarrassed. The way his breath shuddered on every exhale and the way he kept swallowing told Gabriel he was trying to keep his shit together. And angry for not being able to do something as simple as dress himself. His hands quickly tied a knot in the silky fabric around his neck then helped him get the jacket on. Finishing, Gabriel patted his good arm.

“Good?” Gabriel asked, low voice breaking the quiet..

“The fuck am I supposed to do with this?” Jesse growled, raising his stump. The long sleeve hung as a heavy reminder of what they lost. Part of what they lost.

“Got a pin?”

“Do I look like I sew?” He spat.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. He poked around looking for something to pin up the sleeve, settling on several paper clips. He folded the sleeve up and bent the paper clips through the buttonhole of the jacket sleeve, attaching it to the clip on the shoulder. It wasn’t perfect but it would hold long enough.

“You're too young to be drinking.” Gabriel commented when he spotted the bottle of whiskey. Empty.

“I ain't here. ‘Sides in a month I'll be legal stateside too.”

“It doesn't mix with your painkillers.”

“You ain't my doctor or my papi so it ain't your business!” Jesse shot back.

Gabriel straightened his jacket roughly, responding with, “Chico, si no golpeas la actitud, no vamos. ¿Entender?”

The cowboy breathed, nostrils flaring with each inhale. He jerked his head in affirmation. Gabriel smoothed the lines of his blues and offered Jesse his hat. No hat.

“¿Estás listo, Jesse?”

“....si, vamos.”

No words passed between them as they wound their way to the garage. Five minutes into their drive and the young man apologized. Nothing more. Gabriel glanced over, watching the kid’s reflection in the window. The edges of his eyes turned red and he blinked furiously. His eyes kept darting back and forth, lips quivering. They arrived, slowly cruising down solemn roads until they came upon their destination. Gabriel was slow getting out, eyes watching his protege.

“Jesse… Haz lo que tengas que decir adiós.”

If Jesse heard him he didn’t respond when he got out.

Jesse started slowly but picked up his pace when he saw the fresh dirt. In seconds he was huffing like he’d run miles, body shaking as he approached the mound of fresh dirt. Gabriel stood away, allowing Jesse the space he needed. The young man reached out to touch the freshly erected polished white stone but quickly withdrew his fingers. They dug into his palm, fist shaking. Gabriel heard his labored breathing as he attempted to control it. Watched how he brought his hand up to swipe at his face, becoming more and more frequent. He watched Jesse's residual limb move like he was still trying to use it and ultimately stopped. He grabbed his stump and leaned his head against his chest. His shoulders continued shaking. His fingers dug into his stump.

Jesse's knees hit the dirt with a thud after several long minutes standing before the stone. His shoulders slumped and he leaned forwards over his knees. His hand grasped at the earth below and his shoulders shook. His fist slammed against the dirt as his body trembled. His hand came up to cover his face while the tears poured from his eyes. He choked on his air but made no other sound.

Gabriel watched.

**Corporal David Thomas Gainnes**   
**Beloved husband**   
**5\. 1. 2025 - 3. 21. 2053**

They never made it to Clara’s grave.

The following weeks required patience Gabriel didn't know he possessed. He fought constantly with Jesse. Fought over tactics, exercises, fucking Reinhardt’s favorite Hasselhoff movie. He tried to help the kid with transitioning into using his prosthetic. Tried modifying workouts, workloads, schedules - but to no avail. Tried holding a normal conversation. They fought.

All the arguing stopped when they got their first replacement. Jesse grew quiet and ridiculously obedient. Then came the second. Jesse started making mistakes, questioning himself or the team. Drinking more frequently. Gabriel tried to confront him but Jesse deflected. Evaded when necessary. Gabriel covered for him if anyone got nosy. They always got nosy.

Several months later and Jesse barged into his office. He looked caught somewhere between hauling ass back out or running over and flipping his desk. After several long, confused, tense minutes crawled by Gabriel found his voice.

“Can I help you?” _Finally_ , he thought, hoping they could clear the air. Maybe help Jesse start healing.

“I need time. Off.”

“How long? Where you headed?”

“I don't know. I just need time.”

“We got a mission coming up. Angela cleared you for it. We need you.”

He turned his head. The brim of his hat shaded his eyes and he nodded. “I know.”

“...Jess, do you want to talk ab-”

“Dammit, Gabe, you gonna let me go or not? ‘Cause I'm goin’ anyways.” His stare was intense. Something muddled in his expression but it took a back burner to the ferocity in his eyes.

“Yeah. Fine. I'll update the team in case you aren't back in time. For fucks sake at least call me while you're gone.”

Two weeks. No call. No respond to texts.

* * *

Jefe - boss

Pendejo - stupid

Chico, si no golpeas la actitud, no vamos. ¿Entender? - Boy, if you don't knock the attitude we’re not going. Understand?

Estás listo - Are you ready

Si, vamos - Yeah, come on

Jesse, haz lo que tengas que decir adiós - Jesse, do what you have to to say goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note these are based on translators and are quite subject to error (sorry!) so if anyone wants to clean this up I will be eternally grateful!

**Author's Note:**

> First Overwatch fic here! Hope you guys like it. This was not what I originally planned (guys, seriously, back up your work all the time) but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. Also, apologies for any issues with the foreign language in this work. Translators aren't always accurate so if there's anyone out there who could help clean it up I would be eternally grateful! This work may be subject to future edits.


End file.
